Thursday, July 28, 2011

it's really hot outside

24 weeks!


If I could be satisfied with just writing ‘hi’, that is all I would say. But I am way too much of a stickler to leave you with just “hi”…

Lately, I have felt so uninspired to write, or paint, or design, or be creative or really just use my brain. The massive heat wave that we suffered last week, just put me over the edge. I have been feeling groggy, anxious, nauseous, and blahhh for a few weeks now. The only time I feel refreshed is when I jump into a cold body of water, and I feel like a real person for about 5 minutes. Which is better than nothing, but only a quick high. I still feel uninspired, but sometimes you just have to force yourself to do something to get out of the funk.

For instance, exercise... oh my goodness, I have come across so many people in life that always complain about the way they feel or look and they are like “I know I need to exercise, I just don’t have time” or they brag about all the exercising they used to do, like that is going to keep them in shape for the rest of their lives. But really they are just lazy, and would rather relax after work by laying around for several hours on facebook, when in 20 minutes, by even taking a short walk they would be sure to feel better, sleep better, and not feel like a slug (which they are starting to look like). And that is exactly what is wrong with me (besides the point that I’m pregnant and yes, I will pull that card).

My dad tells me everyday that I need to go get my blood flowing, and then I’ll feel better, but I never listen. But the weirdest thing I keep realizing is that my dad is most of the time always right, I don’t know why but he is, but coming to terms with that fact has helped me learn to trust him, and just trust in general. I kept making the excuse that I was too tired or didn’t feel well or my feet hurt, but finally I surrendered. I put on my sneakers and took a darn walk. Oh my gosh, I feel so much better. I lost so much weight in the beginning of my pregnancy that I really haven’t gained any at all. I am still 3 lbs under my pre-pregnancy weight, and I hardly have an appetite. So ive been instructed to eat, eat my little heart out! But if I don’t exercise I am not hungry, and if I am not hungry I don’t eat, and if I don’t eat I feel like crap, and if I feel like crap, I look like crap.. and I hate looking like crap. So now I walk… walk, walk walk on the same road that I went for a walk on to tell my mom I had got my period for the first time, the road I learned to drive a standard on, and bike to play dates, swimming holes, and my first job. Now I walk down this road confidentially, remembering memories from my childhood with each different smell I breath in, organizing and planning for the future in my head, and enjoying the now… 130 lbs, long filed nails, feet that hurt worse than ever, no make up, oversized tee-shirts, completely nauseated all the time, and completely in awe with the fact that in less than 4 months I am to deliver a child that will be so perfect in my eyes, I will fall in love, and my life will be forever ruined. I get butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it. Yay yay yay!

I have been reading this wonderfully written/ hilarious and brutally honest book by Anne Lamott called “Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Sons First Year”. She is so witty, all her books are fabulous, but this one has caught my attention because of the season I am in. Lammot is 35 years old when she writes the book, and is having a child on her own. And it is truly a raw journal, but oh it makes me laugh and laugh. I highly recommend it for anyone! Heather Hale, one of my favorite people in the world gave it to me for my 21st Birthday, which makes me love the book even more. One day Heather gave me a ride home from somewhere, and I was having a terrible day, and she said to me “No good thing is ever easy” and that’s when it all came clear to me. This is a good thing I am doing. Everyone kept saying “It’s not going to be easy” but they forget the GOOD part. That’s why I love Heather, she says it like it is, but adds her own little positive touch to it. I think we could all take lessons from her. Making people feel better or worse about themselves often shows how you view yourself. Obviously if you are making someone feel worse, than you are insecure, and if you’re making them feel better, than you are confident in who you are! What a great revelation!

I don’t know why I found this so hilarious, but my stomach hurt so much from laughing after re-reading this paragraph over and over. So for a good laugh, this is one of my favorite moments from Operating Instructions, where Anne has just brought the baby, Sam, home for the first time from the hospital. (the kitty's reaction is my favorite..)

“So there we were, me and my feverish little baby, with Pammy and Peg puttering around the house putting things away. I put Sam facedown on my lap and took off his diaper and even his little T-shirt, so he looked very sweet and vulnerable, like a chicken. Right then the kitty ran into the house and straight through the living room into the kitchen, very deliberately keeping her eyes off Sam and me. I was putting petroleum jelly on the thermometer when she tore from the kitchen, back through the living room, and out the front door, still with her eyes averted, as if she had little blinders on. A minute later, I inserted the thermometer into Sam’s rectum. I think it surprised him a little bit, and right at that exact second the kitty tore back into the house and ran up to the couch to check out the new arrival. In the next few seconds, with the kitty’s eyes on us, shit began spouting volcanically out of the baby’s bum, and I started calling for help. The shit just poured voluminously out of Sam while the kitty looked up at me with total horror and disgust, like “You have got to be kidding, Annie, this one is broken.” Like she had put her trust in me to pick one up at the pound, and this was the best I could do…” (Anne Lamott, Operating Instructions p25, 26)

So maybe you thought that was funny, and maybe you didn't and now you think I am sick in the head. But I thought it was hilarious!!

Ok, I feel better after writing this.. and now I am going to go eat a popsicle :)

Peace, Love, Child.

xoxoxo m

boy or girl?!? what do you think!!!???

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

something beautiful

Me and Amanda Anderson, a bestie.
I am 21 weeks and she is 25 wks! Amanda's having a baby girl!!

Change never ceases does it? Everyday, every hour, minute, second; we're breathing air we've never breathed before, thinking thoughts we've never thought, praying prayers we've never prayed and taking steps we've never taken. We are constantly changing and evolving, no matter how aware of it we may be.

I, for one, am definitely learning so much, mainly how to manage my emotions! It's scary, because for some reason I feel more empowered, it must be these crazy hormones. But I find myself constantly trying to bring myself back down to reality by doing some deep breathing. (Haha ☺) Cause oh my goodness, I've encountered a lot lately that makes me way so worked up, which often leads to an adrenaline crash, and I find myself crying or upset over the silliest thing. Stress gets to me way to easily. Anxiety is my prevalent rival. I want it dead and gone in my life, and it is going.I have begun to really deal with the distractions and strongholds in my life, so that I can be every more attentive and walking in the fullness of who I am called to be for when my child comes! Yay!! I guess I just want to do the very best I can, and I am confident I will.

The Lord has offered us so much mercy, solutions, love; He is THE solution! It’s just a matter of letting go and trusting him, that’s the real test. I’m faced with this, um lets see… EVERYDAY! We all are. But there is so much grace!! Whats that saying…? that if at first you don’t succeed… try try again. ya..

That is really why I love this life. Its full of challenges, hardships, and turmoil, that are more than often turned into victories, goodness, beauty, LIFE!! But I do want to be clear that what I am experiencing, being 21, single, living with my parents, 5 months pregnant. This is NOT a tragedy, yes it will be difficult, but it’s not a tragedy. I’ve experienced tragedy, I’ve seen darkness, and grieved for months, over the loss of friends that have taken their life, or their life was taken from them. And so often people treat my situation like it’s a tragedy. People have written me saying ‘I am so sorry, this must be so hard for you’, ‘your life is over’, ‘how will you go on’. NO NO NO!! This happened because God knew I could handle it. He has entrusted me with a child to raise and nurture, in a safe place, in a little town, with SO much support. With my parents who trust Him! My parents that love me and try their best everyday to do everything possible to make me comfortable and worry-free! God sees the honor and the love. I hope that my story someday will be something that touches a life, or many lives. My heart is to be there for those in need. For young girls who need a good and strong influence in their life, a safe place, a teacher, or a sister. Whatever it may be, I hope that people start to see what this really is. Another amazing masterpiece, something so beautifully orchestrated, nothing that could be comprehended by human mind.
But… That is my God. Making everything beautiful just in time. How could I ask for more…

Peace, Love, Child.

Mary Michaela

rejuvenation (noun)—the act of restoring to a more youthful condition
by Mary Michaela Silva '09

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

"that little..."

Love Child! approx. 20 weeks!

You know when you've been anticipating something for a while, and then it comes down to the very second before and its like.. OHhhh to bad!.. guess you'll have to wait...another 4 MONTHS!

Well I got my 19 week ultrasound, and the sex remains unknown! But everything went really well, baby is very healthy and very active! I've been feeling little kicks here and there and that is so crazy! It was so neat to see my child just rollin around inside my tummy. Baby was trying to stick its hand in its mouth (but they cannot consciously do that at this age) and it was getting so frustrated and would open up its little mouth and cry and then kick me really hard. ha ha! Love child was being very difficult that day, every time we went to check out 'in between' the legs, baby would cross them really quick. And also the umbilical cord was between the legs. There was no hope, it was as if the baby was playing a game.. I was so mad! But I guess that's the way it goes..

I am definitely getting the "new mom syndrome", even though I am the oldest of 4, and was always a helper to my mom, BEING a mom is totally different. I cannot wait to meet this little baby of mine.

Everyday has its ups and downs though, and as reality starts to really sink in, it is hard. I think about how I would so much rather know that I have a house of my own to go home to, a husband, a college degree, a nest to settle into.. Instead of worrying about where Baby and I are going to live, how I will be able to survive with no income coming in while I am on maternity leave. I have to remember that the Lord is taking care of me and how proud He is of me for choosing LIFE in a culture where death has become accepted. "I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love.."(romans 8:38) And He will make sure "everything comes together the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose" (romans 8:28). This is what I have to repeat to myself all day! But it works.. cause God is GOOD!!!! and I just want people to see His goodness and his love! ahh!

Anyway, I am about 5 months down, and about 4 months to go! So stay tuned!!


Peace, Love and Child!



Saturday, June 18, 2011

Blue or Pink??

18 weeks, 3 days. 2nd Trimester.

So here we are.. a few months after my first post. I promise I'll get a hang of this.

I am 3 days away from finding out the sex of my little Love Child! So excited. I figure if I was married and more well off, I could stand a surprise, but I have so much to prepare for, I'm ready to find out whether this little being inside of me has a penis or vagina!! Ha Ha! Of course I'd be ecstatic either way, but I am personally hoping for a boy. And I have my reasons...

Growing up as the oldest of four, 3 girls, and the youngest a boy. So far, it seems boys are alot easier to deal with. I guess it is all a mater of opionion. But I'm sorry, when it comes to the pre-teen, teenage girl, I want nothing to do with them. Even though that was me only a couple years ago. My sisters (currently 14 and 17) are litterally driving me to hell and back with all the drama, not just in their lives, but in all their friends lives, and their friends-friends-friends life.. Its too much. I'd much rather put on my rainboots and ripped clothes and go bushwacking thru the woods with Joseph (my 10 year old brother) to find the 'invading enemy', a dead tree to chop down, or a deer antler to bring back to my dad. Girls make everything so complicated, anylizing every little detail of every little thing. But boys can also complicate things, at least in my experience, thinking they "know it all". All in all, Im praying for a little "guy" . A little daniel boone who wants to explore the world with his momma.

Soon enough I'll know. And soon enough I'll be up to my elbows in breast milk, poopy diapers, and onsies, running on no sleep and no money. But I am doing everything I can now to help prepare myself to be the best mom I can be. I just cant wait to know true love. Because the day that that baby emerges out of me, I know there will be no turning back, nothing else in the world will be able to seperate us at that moment because of love. I get chills just thinking about it. I guess it is just something everyone will have to experience for themselves.

Peace, Love, Child..

xoo marym.

"we make plans and God laughs, set goals and do your best and laugh with him" -aunt heather

Thursday, April 28, 2011

in the begining..

what came first the chicken or the egg? that is probably not the best way to start a blog... so pause, delete, rewind that..

My name is Mary Michaela, I am a 20 year old single female. I believe I am more of a girl than I am a woman. But that's besides the point that I recently found myself in a bit of a predicament about 2 months ago, to be exact 7 weeks and 5 days. During the early hours of March 5th 2011, between my middle finger and thumb I held my first, second, then third, and finally fourth pregnancy test, each one with a little purple plus sign. Knowing what this meant and naturally being myself I immediately go into a state of panic followed by a state of complete and utter disbelief. And for the next few days I continue to disagree with truth, but knowing somewhere deep down in me there is a little jelly bean of a fetus sucking up every last bit of life i have.

Well thank God that day is over, because the initial shock of any disappointingly-surprising moment is never fun. I am on the road to exposure as I continue to tell family members, friends, bosses, co-workers, and repent to God for not only my sinful actions but blatantly knowing what I was doing was unhealthy and harmful to my life, my body, my brain! "Rolling drugs sex rock"...not a healthy motto or way to live. Trust me, I don't think I've ever been so healthy in my life as I am now being 3 months pregnant.

That being said, I have dedicated this blog to my parents, because I was their "Love Child", and that is what I will call my little jelly bean... until further notice.

I have received so much support and love from my community which helps me everyday. Because I should be traveling the world, journaling, serving people in need, caring for young girls in the sex-trade, making sea shell necklaces, helping deliver babies, designing soft and sexy lingerie, or teaching young children how to paint and create in school, because these are all things that I could imagine myself doing. But for now, or for life, I will put those things aside and focus on "Love Child".

This is my journey, my thoughts, my world plus one. Join me..

Peace, Love, Child.