If I could be satisfied with just writing ‘hi’, that is all I would say. But I am way too much of a stickler to leave you with just “hi”…
Lately, I have felt so uninspired to write, or paint, or design, or be creative or really just use my brain. The massive heat wave that we suffered last week, just put me over the edge. I have been feeling groggy, anxious, nauseous, and blahhh for a few weeks now. The only time I feel refreshed is when I jump into a cold body of water, and I feel like a real person for about 5 minutes. Which is better than nothing, but only a quick high. I still feel uninspired, but sometimes you just have to force yourself to do something to get out of the funk.
For instance, exercise... oh my goodness, I have come across so many people in life that always complain about the way they feel or look and they are like “I know I need to exercise, I just don’t have time” or they brag about all the exercising they used to do, like that is going to keep them in shape for the rest of their lives. But really they are just lazy, and would rather relax after work by laying around for several hours on facebook, when in 20 minutes, by even taking a short walk they would be sure to feel better, sleep better, and not feel like a slug (which they are starting to look like). And that is exactly what is wrong with me (besides the point that I’m pregnant and yes, I will pull that card).
My dad tells me everyday that I need to go get my blood flowing, and then I’ll feel better, but I never listen. But the weirdest thing I keep realizing is that my dad is most of the time always right, I don’t know why but he is, but coming to terms with that fact has helped me learn to trust him, and just trust in general. I kept making the excuse that I was too tired or didn’t feel well or my feet hurt, but finally I surrendered. I put on my sneakers and took a darn walk. Oh my gosh, I feel so much better. I lost so much weight in the beginning of my pregnancy that I really haven’t gained any at all. I am still 3 lbs under my pre-pregnancy weight, and I hardly have an appetite. So ive been instructed to eat, eat my little heart out! But if I don’t exercise I am not hungry, and if I am not hungry I don’t eat, and if I don’t eat I feel like crap, and if I feel like crap, I look like crap.. and I hate looking like crap. So now I walk… walk, walk walk on the same road that I went for a walk on to tell my mom I had got my period for the first time, the road I learned to drive a standard on, and bike to play dates, swimming holes, and my first job. Now I walk down this road confidentially, remembering memories from my childhood with each different smell I breath in, organizing and planning for the future in my head, and enjoying the now… 130 lbs, long filed nails, feet that hurt worse than ever, no make up, oversized tee-shirts, completely nauseated all the time, and completely in awe with the fact that in less than 4 months I am to deliver a child that will be so perfect in my eyes, I will fall in love, and my life will be forever ruined. I get butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it. Yay yay yay!
I have been reading this wonderfully written/ hilarious and brutally honest book by Anne Lamott called “Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Sons First Year”. She is so witty, all her books are fabulous, but this one has caught my attention because of the season I am in. Lammot is 35 years old when she writes the book, and is having a child on her own. And it is truly a raw journal, but oh it makes me laugh and laugh. I highly recommend it for anyone! Heather Hale, one of my favorite people in the world gave it to me for my 21st Birthday, which makes me love the book even more. One day Heather gave me a ride home from somewhere, and I was having a terrible day, and she said to me “No good thing is ever easy” and that’s when it all came clear to me. This is a good thing I am doing. Everyone kept saying “It’s not going to be easy” but they forget the GOOD part. That’s why I love Heather, she says it like it is, but adds her own little positive touch to it. I think we could all take lessons from her. Making people feel better or worse about themselves often shows how you view yourself. Obviously if you are making someone feel worse, than you are insecure, and if you’re making them feel better, than you are confident in who you are! What a great revelation!
I don’t know why I found this so hilarious, but my stomach hurt so much from laughing after re-reading this paragraph over and over. So for a good laugh, this is one of my favorite moments from Operating Instructions, where Anne has just brought the baby, Sam, home for the first time from the hospital. (the kitty's reaction is my favorite..)
“So there we were, me and my feverish little baby, with Pammy and Peg puttering around the house putting things away. I put Sam facedown on my lap and took off his diaper and even his little T-shirt, so he looked very sweet and vulnerable, like a chicken. Right then the kitty ran into the house and straight through the living room into the kitchen, very deliberately keeping her eyes off Sam and me. I was putting petroleum jelly on the thermometer when she tore from the kitchen, back through the living room, and out the front door, still with her eyes averted, as if she had little blinders on. A minute later, I inserted the thermometer into Sam’s rectum. I think it surprised him a little bit, and right at that exact second the kitty tore back into the house and ran up to the couch to check out the new arrival. In the next few seconds, with the kitty’s eyes on us, shit began spouting volcanically out of the baby’s bum, and I started calling for help. The shit just poured voluminously out of Sam while the kitty looked up at me with total horror and disgust, like “You have got to be kidding, Annie, this one is broken.” Like she had put her trust in me to pick one up at the pound, and this was the best I could do…” (Anne Lamott, Operating Instructions p25, 26)
So maybe you thought that was funny, and maybe you didn't and now you think I am sick in the head. But I thought it was hilarious!!
Ok, I feel better after writing this.. and now I am going to go eat a popsicle :)
Peace, Love, Child.